Pixels old in Scan

The vibrancy of a new pups coat to the pups that have gone before in the way technology has progressed. A time starting and sorting a parents timeline in photos from dating to the future of the generations unfolding back to their childhood and before. The wade through drawers and boxes. We are taking part in clearing back a home in the usual Spring clean of rooms in an abode. My Mum kept busy since Dad passed away in condensing down her life in ways different. The removal of reminders in how we all deal with grief differently, of another’s belongings after death. The general tidy up in the season of change generally within the walls of homes. 

The childhoods through the eras, the young photos of the generations that went before, the milestones and progress of family and friends through times, picnics, at the seaside, carnivals, parades, activities at school and play. The dressing up from beachwear to formal wear and all in between...  The mermaids washing no longer seen on a river. The changing face of fashion, vehicles, decor, roads, rivers and landscape ... the buildings no longer standing and other architect timeless ... 

The Brownie Guard of honour for a wedding of a Tawny Owl. That church is now an undertakers. The church converted in 2015. The blue bridesmaid dress once cherished before the ruins of a life. The spark back of the memory loss, lost in the abyss of hoard ... The life that past by away from some of those milestones whilst within the confines of stuff ... 

The double edge sword of seeing photos lost in the mess at home, in the more usual archives of an abode of life that has seen a young family grow up, leave home, go on into retirement to widowhood. 

There is the stick of stuck time when photos shared with the family stopped. The realisation when it crept up upon us. 

Mmmmmmmmmm

though left the farm shop empty handed one July day. It did not entice or indulge me. The passion lost of even the local produce. A little quality better than a lot of crap, one used to enjoy!  

Those who forgot that not only does one hoard, one does not keep. 

Only rebuying;  rather than storing! I am swinging back to life before setting up home. 

The abode thoughts in a revamped world where bedsits are now not so legal ... 

The equation and equivalent of a lot smaller lifestyle beyond this muddle. 

The ideas into decisions into doing. I have ruthless rid of much and there is still

many segments to sort on in which direction to head towards. 

this is life now, one takes it in without touching the unnecessary The interest lost when abundance of much came once upon !  ... 

A breathe of freshness

descends upon after some murky feelings. The knowledge that perhaps I can feel a lightness again. The interlinking appreciation on the gift in time and the harshness of eviction notices and whatever you get when on the wrong end of life. A life in misunderstanding and non action on a lot of lack of basic needs in duty of care. 

A lot in life still to make progress beyond the door in many aspects of life ending. The ending in the worst case scenarios. A culture where the remains of their loved one immediately not being able to be laid to rest in a traditional way adds to the distress ... 

I could not do what was necessary in dignity of a person. And it follows to this day. I had many months of not being able to grieve in peace my way. That will haunt me to my own death day and beyond. 

Ministries so diverse

a hospital based drama showing the lit candles in another environment within acute settings  ... a hospital is a diverse community along with the volunteers, caring companions and dementia areas of care, the league of friends and so forth  ... the chaplain work one can assist in support ... the can dos of anyone who so wishes to maybe do ... at certain aspects of times in life ... it is not to put into words my thoughts so private in this ... where the dialect to actions did not work ... the logic not thought in the surrealness of no one to everyone floating about me ... 

The conflict of times when not ready to deal with so much beyond comprehension 

I could not follow this path .... I was sorely tested time and again by those in this line of belief,  I can not always comprehend. This until a ministry tried to assist from a totally unknown source, I turned away initially when on the verge of going from this life ... 

I appreciated it but it took a while to accept inline with the haze of detest of social activity I was reluncrant to face ... I wanted to curl up and just go ... 

... and then of course a devout cousin who helped me without fully comprehending at the time in his quarters and my view and stand point in finding a tad of the way ... and all those experiences we had and still having in our divinely time very personal to each and everyone of us ... 

In these times my Mum noticed the tone of my once kinda Dad surfacing, before he too encountered what we as a diverse family already knew ... 

My papers and records of baptism are now in my pictorial timeline ... a Mum who continued the beliefs in line with all she signed in all those technical terms in raising us in accordance with the timely church guidance and direction embodied in our country ... while Dad was on a different level in this at that time in our births ... 

I have so much now to show a daughter in my sketches, paintings, records of much in that enriching family history we carry.  Where we are from, in our ancestors legacies, the creative education in life celebration and death line in diverse eras of individual and shared histories   ... 

A Testy time

The move through much on without what I knew. All totally new in swathes and drips. The travel back and forth through the twists of time. The family sharing the albums across the miles. And whilst in a reflective mood faced some images in a very big blast from the past ... 

The photos too back on the piers around this country .... and while the kid in a relaxed mood we have made plans for a road trip in and around the city and coast of where I reside ... I will be eating fish and chips on a pier myself very soon into the next season, not the same as the Kernow coast but still stunning !!!  ... but first a trip to spend time with a sister who will be off work awhile, recovering from an op which for the first time she had under local ! 

Photos revisited ...

a lot easier when they are encapsulated in automated index ... the vibrancy of colour depth and subject stimulating the senses so sharply. The places in collections not ever taken for granted.

The height of many views captured once again from atop hills or now buildings coming back in the equation. Atop cliffs, sand dunes, beaches, coves. In others houses, mansions or museums. In cities, towns, villages or hamlets ... ship wrecks, lighthouses too. 

The waterways, marshes, tracks or trails. The fields, forests expanses of moors to coast in the terrain of one view in the South West to the bottle kilns of the industrial North. 

Though I have many photos still to capture ... the regular tin mine ruin on the trip out in Kernow. The rail travel of a building outside of Crewe ... on approaching the Capital city of a castle on a mound ... 

And that is while moving in passing ... 

I still have the many facets of a view on foot left to see ... old and brand new ... 

A September view of many many new places to come ... and that will be into Scotland too then ... meanwhile a first trip back into Wales for a Summer birthday ...

That will leave Ireland before too long maybe ? 

One less item

... in the way of life in a home this day  ... the end task to a capsulated life ... The long haul in decisions to let go of hobbies and makes and more ... to give life in skills different. 

The days where it is harder to function than others. The days for walks maybe with the ideas I have ... 

This gives a little gumption with discussion with a doctor and other agencies that don't listen ... how to manage. And with myself to get to Kernow and get on with it ... 

The lists you have to make and forms to fill to get this moving. The way online works is not always good in an itemised life ... to move it ... 

The reliance on others when you don't drive let alone to drive a truck to move your own items by just chucking it in ... 

Another day

to remember those that went years ago today now.

A taste of Spain decadent on my taste buds despite the terse. The crash, and wallop of much on arriving back home. 

The speed across the railway tracks meant we arrived early at our destination ... the patience of others today I was appreciative of. 

A day in much moods Many and complex 

A Crematorium Picnic ...

a tradition once alternate days of the 14/15th of the mad March days ... eating food in the winds of ashes! 

The beautiful wilderness in the boroughs of a capital city ... where parks we roamed in all seasons and times with family, friends and colleagues ... all places in and out skirting times with childhood friends and new alike ... 

The Galleries. Kew Gardens, exhibitions and such like on the South Bank and food with various different tastes on the waterways with the Open uni social crew on the Thames  ... and up to Stratford and the Iron bridge delights 

Later with a new generation too visiting the Various performance at the Globe with a daughter in new widow times ... going to museums again ... the world re opening in all spectrums as though time never stood still awhile in social out of sync ... 

A torrid into tranquil

time thankfully... one needed a lot of support from my own inner family, to support my God Mother/Auntie in the loss of her second husband. I have the surrealness of being one of three cousins widowed early in time ... The silent understanding only we know ...

.... I failed to attend another previous funeral one time in Southampton, even booking the coach ... I eventually managed to get to this area December last. This to celebrate one of a few Diamond wedding anniversary within the maternal and paternal families ....

I actually found it easier than I thought I be ...only I nearly went emotionally, when the surving brother could not finish his recounting of times with his brother ... 

A beautiful service in a spacious church and chapel ... The flowers and service themed to a second wedding that took place in the very church. Single blooms only today and donations to The Alzheimer's Society ...  

A week or so of zig zagging across the English counties to a very satisfying Saturday day today. It is the first of many funerals outside the immediate family I have managed to actually attend .... 

All warm and cosy ...

after a Sunday into Monday away in a county different again. A road trip past Stoke on Trent  Birmingham, The Cotswolds to name some ... 

An evening meal on arrival. A breakfast to start a day of the celebration of a life of a Uncle. The wake for all before the service. The family at the committal and home after for yet more refreshments. 

A time to embrace and recount much, meet those not seen for a long time or not at all until now!  The friends and family too one knows over the years of a family matriarch who gels the family unit together. The last family gathering for an 85th birthday ...   

A sibling who made it out of the three remaining. The requirements of the usual big wet over enthused kiss. The only brother surviving after a stroke on his 59th wedding anniversary celebrations... he recovered to celebrate his Diamond wedding anniversary, this last February 

The two sisters, one too frail ... one too far to come now, who resides in Canada ... a selection of the many cousins attended with the next generation of many more cousins ... 

And all the new friends made since a second marriage of a couple who came from the opposite sides of the Atlantic settling in England after spending part of the time in both Canada and England  ... 

The surreal time back in the extended family fold. The years not missed to those that were .... and plans in the usual 'you must come to stay' again, such that was said at my own husband's funeral! 

The birdsong here

and now ... time rhythms out of kilter, rather like some of us ... a day jolly in mood moments. Even my sister had to ask recently ... you are being sarcastic. She usually gets my lovelies opposite . She is under duress stress and thinking of ways to alter this with her working life.  

The infrastructure slowly cracking. The reality portrayed in a rare for me watching of Casualty, in make believe. 

The world in real make it believe ! 

The system has failed me in part ...slow on mindful matters. Quick in response on the physical as always !!! 

The blur of the questions asked recently with my replies! Yes ... but not in that way when asked if I was incontinant etc ...  I cack myself when in fright from simple life endeavours I struggle with in flashbacks of images one should not see .. .. not the physical yer! 

Students to a

couple ... the signs about from the student times to now being nested up for just the two is now more evident after six months. 

The football supporters bedding, linen from garish to more homely. The posters replaced with pleasing arrays of decor. The kitchen more intimate in intuitive.  The dinner placings now matching. 

The acceptance of the summer last when I put suggestions in the pot, now in time understood in the heed more. We require the find in ourself, though a little elder wisdom helps along the way. 

.... The sprinklings of change now very much of a couple in progression ... 

A sprinkle of subject

in the occupy ....the wonder in whether I am here on planet Earth. Or up with the stars in a land away from reality ... a sister does say I make sense in my way. That I am not as confused like I think I am ...Yes I can be incoherent in ramblings .... though I have journeyed far since those days in limbo back to some semblance of life. The days my emails then burst into the airways in archive and deletes  ...with a venegence ... 

The isolation in quiet, breaking way to conversations still not heard ....

Will not be popular ...

though in this 'ere environment for stating facts... the change of no netters to pure netters. It brings a lot to the equation. The outgoing though not that noisy but loved some fun...  The ones who would have been a gossip starter. It was a daughter in her cute way telling me of their noisy mating ... Three children later they move! 

This would not be the first noisy ones. It starts up a lot of amusing convos over the years. Yes flat life is more than one first thinks ... one cannot be shy or embarrassed here! 

Every aspect of my being

tested today ... thankful for the time in rest for this momentous much of a day. The weather as feisty too. I was oblivious to life again until I stepped in the outside world. And although confused in far away moments. The drain on the emotions. The conversations that appear normal, though never to me. The sound of my voice alien especially still I have no one near and dear here in physical ... this is so alien a world of late ... not one person here that accounts for that ... 

The hard in trust issues ... the rapport once took for granted.The part at least accounted for in therapies ... though continuity from these therapies as rare as the find in genuine care ... for not being old, frail or physicality ... the belief of those who do not know of the difficulties that lie silent surround cos it is invisible to them 

The current ...

... arrangements for the wake and service and transportation back to Canada of my dwindling uncles are well under well. The wishes and heirachy in order. And maybe a bed too, The stand back of those who take precedence in these times. We just wish to be mindful of times with family far, but known in different ways. The importance of this strand of family in directive and supportive to us, in the loss of a valued extended family ... the Dad related by marriage to a cousin who herself was still a teenager in her loss. 

Inner baggage ....

versus the habits since broken .... the kitchen is sparkling more this spring clean season! The status where some areas are ready to pack ....

The sweep of all hands on deck later in the year, will be another phase in recovering a life .... The kin in full support of this fruition into life out in .... 

I still quite not in belief of the current transformation again, since the festive time with others ...I hope another break from it sees some decisive moves again ... 

In the meantime even in my laze faze, an area appeared today, within the abode  ... I spent time too however on pamper moments for myself, not just the stuff! That is what lacks in those who homes are bursting at the seams...  

Death, Diamond Days and

a Valentine Day really cussing me deceased hubby today. The shift around of life here. To be in the present time for a while to enjoy being others new and old. 

The arrange of RSVPs and much to be right bang up to date. The things around for the need in now. A suitcase to pack. A briefcase for volunteer. A file for an appointment ... 

The phase of dispersal into smaller tasks. And not in the big shift of time in lost of recent ... and many PS I love You moments too ... 

Much, many and more l..

the plans with kin in the logistics of here to remove the constant reminders ... 

Today a real mix of alternating screen time to prevent eye strain ... the itinerary or the word that escapes presently for all the items destined to flow out with kin ...  The donations, upcycling, recycling. Reuse, remove, realign and resign myself that the abundance of crockery, cutlery, cuisine bakeware needs readjusting for certain ... 

The repeats, conflicts and circles I get in, lessening with each sweep of decisive moments ,,, 

Personal celebrations in this season ...

a certain wine drunk when it snows ... into valentine through many seasonal times via a birthday or few to the saint days ... the time to make half a dozen my style bakes ... they have since been decorated with some frosting to celebrate ... without the one who shared these seasons once upon a time ... 

I will be starting Lent in the span of counties ... with the middle England now explored on my own or with another generation ... 

Time on from The Cotswolds, Stratford Upon Avon, Iron bridge, and the Peak District. The Yorkshire dales, Harrogate and York the sum of some areas with those now Promored to Glory ... 

The coastlines of Great Britain and some isles not finished together ... the value of that time priceless we did have in what we had shared ... 

... Awry to flunctuating...

pay times ... how the new environment of my times in the blessings of another week ... it tis my allotted grocery and bill day in my once amended upside down time schedule realignment. 

I still fluctuate widely.... 

However the bills are consistent. I am in constant juggling. I will max up the utility's which hinders the food budget. I do not want to be constantly thinking about running out on the meters. The flow of time hidden in the depths of a home. I have not adjusted this meters to do it how I was used to. That is a funny business too, usually people think on the gas service etc we all run on emergency credit all the time. 

I can't work like that. I require to run in the black. 

I pay what is required, then see what is left for treats and travels. The travels presently where board is catered for. This helps to pay for these travels. The juggle in exposing myself to experiences surround. The constant consistent time in strange to me atmospheres Thus this heededs the feelings that I might one day get out to work in busy environments again? 

My daughter will gift a journey in experience occasionally, rather than what we call clutter gifts now. 

We were fortunate up until my father passed away, he paid for our travels to get from A-B. All my adult life he did this. He was not fond of being out of his locality after losing most of his sight. We went to them. He assisted in this. 

After the initial post crisis I was assisted by much and many, until I was in a routine again. The pride one requires to manage oneself within a budget that suits my new requirements in life. The appreciation in the living until I was financially stable again. 

I always enjoyed what I had, not forever after the gluttonous disposal of life to landfill. It tis all ironic tis that. And I enjoy the fruits of life like this...  even more so! My daughter is itching to go on our various adventures, .... yes I am aiming for that .... though in no hurry to obtain the riches in the famous land marks ... preferring the solace of the lesser know areas just as spectacular.... and stunning

In the meantime enjoying the pleasures in a dawn, the birdsong. The wet mornings when I have noticed the outside world this current week. The splish splash of raindrops freshly fallen on the window pane. The wind we had this week blowing through my hair, whipping around my charity box destined for a shop that breaks things in its mountainous pile of donations. I hope they did not get too damaged ... They are the only one to take electronic goods, otherwise I avoid this one for breakables. I do disperse fairly. The breakables go to those that are instantaneously put them out to sell. 

The ones who run it like a business take a while to flow out on to the shelf, here or at another shop.

I have certainly had my fair time in these places and how they are operated. The auctions for rare finds, in the donated donations. The requests to sell at a set rate. The clothes bundles I could get money by the weight .. I donate for  them to do this. The rags ... the new all goes in for these places ... 

The books sometimes they stop taking awhile. The videos are dysfunctional now. On yes the online, sell by weight, pick up for costs it t'as all been researched by those who assisted in the very first days ... 

..... My own experiences coming later 

... especially the irksome time the electrical donation one shutting down for a while for a revamp .... I like to get rid while I go along presently ... the requisite of the many who did  say a bag a day would eventually get rid of it ...

Yeah... no one realises how stuffed a stuffed home is .... there is a point where it is too much .... my sister researching details ready for when I reach this point ... to get someone in to assist to move too ... 

Recovery star ...

within the mental well being of words I am now out of tune with ...

The step out to a housing association resident involvement in many forms ... meetings, training, intro days, exams and more than I can rethink about ... there is something in a community for everyone. 

The trouble starts when it does not come to you in isolation when home bound. There are many non for profits that could be founded, I am not in a position presently to go down the founding of what is missing in life. What I have done like many ....  is suggestions .... to ease this missing link .... at feedbacks and resident involvement 

The type of assisted care that seems to me missing in the links of continuity .... 

In one Guide hut, there is a shower. A shower would be handy for those in need of a wash, who struggle ... again it is the logistics in this day of health safety over riding the vulnerable needs   (In our situation the nurses refeused to dress my hubby legs at home ) a very fine balance in safety for whom? when it does but kill ... 

The knit and natters. Other craft groups The buddy schemes. There is abundance of things to get out to do. I may not be in the right place ... but apart from libraries going out to those in isolated village  who struggle out .... there is a need still for those in library towns where the books are delivered to them ...

The natural channels out ... from attending the Pulse debut reboot day  .... The invitations that flooded on from that ... the overwhelming in that .... the find on my own niche in give .... and take ... 

The Counselling view ...

apparently I chose to keep the curtains closed ... and all that my sister relayed from her bereavement counselling is indicative of how those of us who apparently
 seek attention from this... 

There is much in this already had in this passage of sub life... 

I have more deep rooted things to think about than whether to deliberately leave the curtains shut or not to seek attention ... ! I only stretch out if I will leave my daughter before my real time, in such a could be fleeting millisecond with the way I can go back to those silent days of speaking to no one my innermost ...  

I have never told everything ... for it would never be understood or perceived, as is proven with so much already ... 

The Road kill

the mud, the littered sand, the dead fish smell of harbours, the muck spraying, slaughter blood where one used to see a certain part of town run red alongside the once rail track, the mermaids washing, the tin mine shafts, the slag heaps, the dank and the beautiful ... 

The side of old, that is never portrayed in the brochures. The country as archaic as the industrial revolution in the more North of England ...  

Now it's pixels and recommended on much media in device, the outstanding natural beauty of the Camel Trail. 

All poshed up for 'emmets to tread continually on 

The new health and safety laws and outcries on much, that changed the modern landscape too. 

The swirls in the whirls

the dizzy spells are difficult to proceed this week last. The smaller stages I tackle everything from the start back in life are even smaller ... The kitchen tasks I had set outto achieve this week in fine tuning with each sweep through, is slower than I had hoped.

At least it can be seen in small doses the improvement in areas and tasks ... The updating of needs now, from where time stood still in rearranging the nooks and crannies. And I can see where there are and is a lot of wasted time. The solutions sought. 

It is a tragedy a lot is binned along with the minimal waste I cannot always strive for to landfill by dispersing via other means ...  I have no time or inclination to sell or do freecycle etc .... The security issues of this ... and waiting around for collections and other people's moods and the inevitable letdowns of unreliability ... time is precious enough ... 

And the way widows are perceived, even my Mum is seen as needy. The perceptions of the medical profession and builders etc of ... being on your own. Mum has had to muddle through too. We rather get on with it or adapt ... without the bother of the others moods if they feel like it ... 

Referring to the book

.... we inherited an extraordinary amount of bibles in the two homes in the clearing ... they lay silent within ... presently ... one that belonged to my deceased hubbys Mum did however last year get laid onto my late mum in laws coffin, from which my daughter picked up to read from at her Promotion to Glory. During the second part of the services at the crematorium...

Both my hubby and my father in law could quote from memory ... I miss these comments on moments in time in everyday life .... today it was a cousin who divulged much about the relevance to the current political arena in the more recent times ...

I was twirled back right throughout the time of the decades I knew my in laws. who brought a different prospective to this. My own father was an atheist until the time, he was dying, when he eventually experienced, relaying those very precious, personal experiences to him, to us ... we have never forgotten Mums reaction to this. A momentous time in our family ... My Mum was the one who had the background from her parents. She consequently sent us to a C of E school, and a church at the back of our road. To me though, I was fascinated with the diversity of my own parents. I still smile at his commentary throughout life on this. 

On my own road throughout life, I have attended various services of different denominations through friends, the Guiding movement from Brownies to a Young Leader, employers and colleagues ... very diverse. 

My first experience of a synagogue was for a funeral 

In fact my father in law in particular, who met my mum in law through the Salvation Army, quoted a personal to us from the bible on his deathbed, whilst he and I said goodbye for the last time ... therefore from the time we met to his very last words was full of praise, hymns, singing and more ...

He was an accomplished musician, arranger and pianist, unfortunately by the time I came along I did not see this much, the complex relationship where he was only home occasionally. He had many facets where he had a different life elsewhere ... the piano was there, not at my in laws ... 

The extraordinary in

the everyday and where it is not necessarily appreciated The aspire to have what we have not, instead of what we do have. The social media exacerbates that. This is where I have seen, that I do not belong with the majority in different walks of life.

And the irony I will be starting out again, when many peers have put in services in the various professions where you can retire at 55

A visual time

in tactile. The flavour amd sights of a festive seasons bountry indelible on my being. 

Enraptured by new new and old new alike ...
in the colour bold and golden in a special season