The surrealism...

that surrounds me in life here ... how the company from afar of comfort in those ... the large looming presence of time dispersing into my very own Spring ... but not without the May storms which in nature seems to be out of sync herself 

41 months ... 20 months and 2 months ...

The main people in my life since gone 

Without the rest of all that happened along this time frame 

The world a freezing colder and cold without them 

This is a life ...

A heading into new terrain ... the sooner the better ... 

It's took a while on the other home ... that eventually came to an end 

somehow this will too 

I have sought, seeked and I will find a way ... 

I have still to find a speedier option 

money versus the total restart 

If I am not that far ahead by my next age in two months 

I will rethink the strategy 

Plenty of white feathers and smells of those gone in this time too 

My destination .. now as fortuitous .

... as it is tragic ...

I am able to do as I please in the middle of all my current dilemmas ... my mouth dry with anticipation ... the exhilaration of the skin when of mind to notice in the wind, the rain, even the  cold and the sun in various warmths... The mud ...the scrunch of dry leaves .. The colours ... The wind whipping up dust particles .. that are usually irritating ... 

The mist hanging low ... The clouds up high ... The thunder and lightning bolts crackling avpcross the countryside over my old home village,  last Summer ... 

.. even the weeds ... in among the green of this country ... 

... taking me back to Memories of watch with mother in those greys on the television watching Little Weed  ... 

Dietary dilemmas ...

nutritional... environmental aspects from a time not good and understood ... continuing times for one left in a rabbit hutch unkempt or cared for ... the other in circumstances spiralling rapidly out of control into neglect from a multi agency meeting ... 

one still suffers on from this time one had ... the mould ...dust ...the lack of air ...heat and washing facilities ... if you are out on the streets it is understood for the welfare ... 

... not always on the home environment when health and safety of staff become more paramount than the client ... or the danger faced ... and ahead with no thought of a dying person ... 

The fact many leave you because apparently you choose to live like that ... are of a callous nature which derives from others pretending to con them ... they do not see or have the time to see ... or want to even listen ...or understand the ripple of factors of ... 

• Stress
• Invisible fears that are actually real
• Environment cultural living 
• Continued stress into addictive behaviour 
• A cycle that forms 
• Habits hard to break 
• Physical symptoms form 
• Environmental factors deteriorating 
• Exacerbating misunderstanding and hounding 
• The conclusion ends in death of a multitude of death causes 
• And much much much mores

All have technical training names over decades of study ... I lived it in laymans terms ...

Some of my written notes survived from dates in that time line ... Harrowing reading 

Everyone's woes

times in a listen many
with silence in patience,
Though the first early a day
of my uncontainable grief
I could cut down in ways
a many, like a shard of Ice

... The Romance in Death ...

The knowledge of how we wish to be 

One couple we know ... having their ashes scattered together in the place they met 

One is still alive; the other in a file awaiting that time 

it is good they met outside 

Twenty Five Years

ago

The lead up to one wedding in many ... a newborn... not mine I might add ... and most obviously everyone was there who were there ... the guest list naturally dwindling from the first death of a young husband of a friend ... to the most recent of a mother in law ...

The various family get togethers we went to; until the family became larger and harder to get everyone together ... or ageing depending on paternal or maternal ... 

This year already seeing many milestone celebrations ... One couple celebrating sixty years of marriage ... 

The Constant Reminder ...

of event on event on event on event in every way whilst getting back life as second nature 

Not a survival from minute to minute as in life end of another ... One survived looking worse for wear no eyebrows and taunt skin all tight in the face face and the torso and thighs all cracked ... 

One died ... 

If I could have smiled ... I could not have anyway  ...  the skin on the face was so raw and tight ...  

Jesu, joy of man's desiring ...

Another evening of various relaxatioal music

to bring down the heart rate 

especially some we played ourselves 

 and some we said goodbye to 

we all revisit good things 

that to be kept in mind when nasty things happen to others 

they need space and time in good 

There are so many ways of help for those ... It is finding myself first ... 

The death in a life ...

Is not a cliche 

It happened to us

From the worst harassed death I have seen

And then being with my late Dad at a very touching moment in time when he slipped away from us for now ... one sunny Autumn Day ... twenty one months after a dismal dark December Day of my late husbands untimely passing ...

Two very contrasting deaths on the spectrum of emotions in how death can be and could be ...