Time in shifts

... at the moment in a town that has a small sprinkling of chain stores. A new traditional sweetshop is back in town where if you ask for a quarter it is immediately understood. 

We once had the most delicious sweetshops not just the traditional ones, with rows and rows of jars of sweets which were weighed and dished up in paper bags. These same sweets now dished up in those bloody awful plastic brash packaging. We also had an astounding sweet shop with displays of blocks of sweets cut to need. And the most delectable array in trays of sweets neatly arranged ... 

.. Dessert Creams were very much my all time favourite melt in in the mouth sensation ... 

Definitely December

better in different.

I have been showered in silver glitter on a debut time in assist of a group session for Changing Life's held twice weekly in an area in Cheshire ... 

I have experienced much anew. I have now met both foster and birth Mums of a daughter's boyfriend. The above colleagues, clients, parents and carers ...

A good social mix of snobs to those who have limited communication themselves for many and varied and need to know reasons ... 

A unusual year

in such ... these memories with kind permission of the sneaky peak we had of the Paralympics whence it came to our country through a daughter's eyes before the world saw ...!!!

This was how I saw the world a while ... through a daughter's lens !!!  

a bad idea today

What a wobble after wobble after wobble in my willies 

I decided to pass the time with the extra time I give in countdown to other schedules fitting in my life by gutting out another areas of squished squashed belongings ... 

Bad idea ... first the door knocks ... the guy to fit the regulations in homes ... who should have come Monday ... I also have to remind them of the asbestos ... you cannot drill in two ceilings here ...

I was on the way out with a bundle of goodies to the charity shop... 

Of course they had no ideas about said asbestos ...and already fitted other properties ... 

That it is fitted but two of the devices are going to be stuck up .... is good ...

I proceed out to drop off the goods to the charity shop and pick my Meds which were were not allowed too soon even though I wrote on it why I required them sooner ... 

I decided to vent the frustrations productively in my distress ... I requested to see the paractice manager of my doctors surgery who saw me at short notice in private ...to explain a lot of what is going on presently ... that I do not write about and my communication in my world which is not always clear enough to which I explained also ...

I explained several things and a push from them in being left afloat after the learning of the failings ... failings yet again !!!! 

And that reassurance goes a long way ... 

And I had already been distressed by what I found today ... in gutting the bedroom ... 

I have a lot happening and not ready to be left afloat ... especially December ... again ... 

Another December Approach

the wonder in where I be and the look back to see where I got to when out and about with others in the tease of my hand on my device ... The snatch of photo ... The linger in real life to take it all in .

One such time in the view above ... it ''twas too cold for my sister. She patiently waited in the car ... giving me time to absorb an experience ... a place I so loved growing up too ... a place in a country well trod in past times 

This on the coast I loved with the high waves crashing on the cliffs out of season joys in mothers natures own fury ... 

The feel of those times still with me today ...thankfully 

Time to travel

in the not too distant future and afar to be with those I know ... and meet many grumpy and wonderful travellers ...  

I have to keep an idea of the date for I have to collect my tickets from the station and pack. And in the main not get carried away in the past in remove and retrieve... 

I get totally absorbed in the silliness of it all ... The meal plans in a now difficult home 🏡 to avoid too much waste. Oh and I have my system of smoke and heat detectors to be fitted. I have to wind down the silly life and start again in the New Year ... 

Many visits, meals special and volunteering and busman retrieve and clear elsewhere planned and the spontaneous  ... the reciprocation. The healing in mixing with people out of my environment to aid recovery . 

Turnaround

in emotions

How at the programmes in health I have been on ... the biggest step is getting out of bed and out to face a day. If ya do that you feel a tad easier ....

The workout in a gym ... 

I used to walk for miles... I rather see scenery than walk in the same spot over and over again ... 

I did however have a execrsise bike (before it got lost in the mess), and watched a movie ... That was multi tasking, never one once to sit still without something in me hands or between me legs ! 

Fate in the automated

location footprint ... the coast for Cornwall, well it is actually Devonsire.  The mess in Kent ... The built up North town of Crewe in a rail hub ... how apt !!! 

A Supermoon Remembrance ...

the full swing into the term time season of goodwill ... or not! The manic panic of others to put a day together here and there in commitments of ones own life ... 

... ideally a come together and do it all together..  

I came into the festivities of Jewish ways with my first ever partner ... the Salvation Army with a life partner which is intriguing ... 

A Dutch style to Zwarte Piet a companion to Sinterklaas and when things ever get to fall in place ... a time back in the fold different in North, South and South A Western !!!! 

This day that haunts

from recesses in still, the flaunts.
twisted in journeys and jiggly jaunts,
jam packed climes, to that is now but unravelled
one has certainly done inroads, this time travelled!

50-80

is an enlightening time. The staggered process to accessing different life qualities... The health checks amore that come. The reduction in my Home Insurance just an example. The Oyster card scheme is for all in an area.The health checks not. 

A whole MOT like a car in a body scan way would be good by now. That again would be like a cattle market in those waiting rooms ... The queues in life, birth, marriage and death ... The staid way parts of this country celebrates ... records and the most stiffy spiffy uppery lippy ... ways ...

The intermix of the

industry in care in communities, residential homes, privately and career wise to eventually on a very real level ... in personal care to my own self down in dumps spiral ... has weaved in and out of this life. 

The known ambulance and fire brigade personnel as was then, nurses, Consultants and Dentists/ nurses on a personal level at times in my movement through various counties, in central and outer skirts of the city. My mum with her twin took part in twin research in a London hospital. The research and care of those that we don't know exceeding the requirements in their dedicated skills of soothe. And nurses and carers in many forms you get to know for a period of time in a loved ones care, or your own. The social workers and support workers in Cornwall when Mum and Dad fostered for a time, getting to know me although by then I had moved away. The Doctors and more of the the team in catering and getting toast out of hours, in reaches of a time that all is foggy in mind now. And those friendly porters and paramedics that and reception staff who assist so much within their capabilities only last year again, on my time in and out of A & E, and then Out Patients for an investigation in my health ... 

The social meltdown that came ... that tainted an outlook of unreserved respect I once had for professionals who spend years in study, to those that have natural instincts in care through experience at first rather than qualifications, gaining the qualifications. Those that come up through the ranks of auxiliary nurses in speed and vogue. And those that assist children torn from their home and the scars that are left from those formative years... The writing of a life story ... 

And last Christmas time spent with the young man of our daughter, who had his life story written with social workers. We sat for long moments looking at this life story too, in which he shared the poignant way that when a baby they did not at first expect him to live, let alone walk and with many operations later he is obviously thriving, walking, and obtained a degree too, to boot! ... 

Obs

in observations from others in their various locations in vocations in my life vacation... 

How unrespectful and bolshy the demands can be on you. I am entering that world after a world of triggers in that, that invaded life in the care in the community coordinates that lack ... 

The brush down and face life, that I might function in use again ... at a slower pace this time round ... to get thorough the silent marauders that inadvertently destroyed a life ... 

I will be back

in the continuing evolving work of dealing with others. This time round I am used to the ways a bit more. I do not feel the coldness so much now. 

And like my current volunteer role. The confidentiality is key. The current role I have been trained in has a little bit of acting involved. You also needs to be unbiased. It has been good grounding in the intermix of my relationships back with the world. 

I now know what it is like in the vocation, out of the vocation, as a client myself and the carer of a loved one ... 

A multifunctional aspect of all the tangible feelings for all involved .. 

A Misty Monday Mourn

In per usual laughable sarcastic mode at the day to face in the ridiculous. The bedroom space plans further on than last time I might have mentioned in part in tandem with day to day. 

What cannot be seen

though very much felt... the alter in the life tatters ... it will not really be pieced back together without a jagged edge. The live on. I love the freedom. It cannot really be called that. 

While the late husband left us. I still have much to do. There are the days where is it worth the hassle? I follow my rules within the rules.... ! Then it is better again ... ! 

Gift bags and hampers

further on from the food.

The dynamic family member who is washed fed and put to bed. The attitude of many when housebound physically, in the pragmatic spirit! 

Even those who struggle to bathe themselves deserve to have this pamper time so often rushed in elderly care. When it is palliative as in the Kernow area fantastical when in place, still a lot to be said with budgets and the necessity to facilitate basic human pamper of TLC ... 

Hours into

days into weeks and now months since a dear mum in law died ... trips into one town to t'other now... too ... The fascinating family history dating way way back in this time of all areas and the 130 years of ... the Salvation Army too. She just missed that. 

The hundred years in my shared history of the year her own Mum passed away just in that Centenary year too... The time I spent with her Mum on a  Sunday ... when not in my own town ... 

The time in areas shared in floral displays, wild and formal walks and such as you do ... I still visit in a time different ... and yet another Indian meal in Welling I believe  ... only this year and places I am trying to fathom. The history of the paternal line rich in the London boroughs. And Kent for the maternal line. 

I have watched football and cricket and trying to match the venues with the names ... in various parts of the country. Then as a family etc etc ... 

The restaurants and museums plenty in the city. The coastal times in this area .... 

And a daughter's fascination in these areas including her own foray in the museum of the home and as an ambassador for the arts in Kent besides much more. 

It looks like my time will be divided in a quad area of England to start in this recovery. And whether I have the gumption to put in place those new ideas I had with the courage as I did in my other times! 

The countdown to reduction

a sister too, with another hand op on the 23 rd December. The increase of metal plates each time. For me the continuing path in our health and my life style. The walks again planned. I wonder how far we go in the cold? 

In the meantime dilemmas, difficulties, ease and lots of sneezy dust and must. The phases in logic and illogical. 

My entertainment anew. And plenty to learn and get used to. The queasiness on waking from both mental and physical means the reluctance to sleep. The rest in restlessness difficult to acquire at times. Instead of pacing the attempt to alter the mind to a good place, 

The less said

only when all the core family had various stages of carcinogenic bits removed. And what I went in the extremes of some of life. When people say the worries are fruitless. They are very real. 

The struggle and conflicts in making a life beneficial, in enjoying it count on serenity and beauty while here! While all around those tedious to pointless outrages in others to others with life taken from others inadvertently to directly killing from the various conflicts in life on this planet ... 

Where we could maybe be one time fighting over clean air to live in, and the breakdown of all the things we know? The continued churning out of manufacturing pollution, deforestation, population growth, over urbanisation etc 

The NHS silently and sometimes publically rationing care to those they see fit! 

The one of many examples how things are in this supposedly transparent spouting world 

The nights in strange

the time the mares or dreams give the state of mind in struggles of the particular dilemma from that day ... 

And whether I am in control of my life or not 

The dreams of only those in a situation of living in a hoard will know of 

The whistling near of those tornadoes when you translate that into speak common 

Those others not so easy to do so in common 

And certainly those that leave me in sweat of shaking scared beyond speak 

Post lunch lull

and confusion ... time out for a mo on the onslaught of much ...

I have enjoyed the bittersweet task of completing  a wish when death abruptly stopped the life of those shared wishes in the tracks of doing back in another Olympic year ... 

In this Olympic year I achieved the next basic next step up ... its not on the wall and it is not yet the size ... There is only one to share it mostly ... I adapted to those needs I now require with the adjustments in the now, for the wait already too long ... the further may or may not bring the next upgarade or downgrade ... depends where health and wealth in quality time in pilgrimage of helping others in an entirely different way of life ... 

The options many once, I completed and shaken off a legacy of social isolation in needs of another complexities away from this life ... 

Out from in ... In the loop ...

of gossip on the airwaves in this anew time ... the wider circle of acquaintances in keep up to date with life in joy and sadness, 

It is not on the scale like before in my own world, much in different with the world out of the in ,,,

The time of gossip in words, image, audio, the moving or in the still .... and only not always face to face... though there is  'face'time 

the most interesting time in a town in Kent ...

it would be good to go forward to get involved with the town council if I was in the right frame of mind ...

 from a daughter  time in involvement in  much in town district and county to national levels  ... 

Our semi rural area and what I have noticed this summer from past photos from previous times in recovery how this area has disintegrated and the proposal to yuppie it up pushing out the locals who struggle as it is ... 

Where once, now is ...

a strange familiar in feelings fringe in the outer core ... 

Listening to life in different, in everything out of my part of the world travel through ... the exertions on moans and groans as I pace in a bit more laid back ... 

The day after the

ask... the death that inevitably came one Friday on from that September neglect further ... one that one does not speak of still ... 

Today another Friday in another place, another time, another season ... another year ... and it was sunny ... with one grey cloud that spat in spit ... 

... over the cathedral and city scene in capture of a shot in keep ... 

A Cathedral City ... in Cornwall 

Knock off time

and how many are put to bed ... Or left today ....?

The fundamentals

where once now nor and not ....

The rot in decay and death ... the grand wedding banquet of Miss Haversham in a mansion to the reality of hoards in society 

The legacy left of clearing a life left in many strands whether through mental, physical. the ills of phobias, addicted to ... addicts in tobacco, prescribed or other drugs The fermentation of hops or fruit 

The legalised gambles on life, with what goes on behind life, the secretive end in life until ... that bounds life in stealing life ... 

This only a touch on what can happen in life ritual in usual to the damn right obscure and mostly tutted at by lack of understanding... rigidly and disgust 

A new baby

in the extended family ... A cousin became a Grandma today... we have given up the count on the paternal line. 

I have just put aside the last family tree for my daughter for her generation of this line ... She will add the lastest addition. She has a keen interest on the family tree. 

I also recently came across a love letter of her paternal Grandads in those belongings of another ... and not from his wife. The well known skeleton of my in laws, he was secretive but the fact he was missing at Christmas and bithdays gave it away to everyone ... 

 The silent within how differently we all cope with such shenanigans ...  

The centre of

life and time 

in town, cities, villages, hamlets, communities and more 

Village pumps of old, monuments to the war dead, churches in dominations different, town halls, civic centres, clock towers, emergency response units only the start too...

.. an experience in  abundance once more from town to town on rail or road and yet to sail or fly again...

The hub of life of landowners these days in superstores, the supposed master visions in towns and new builds of back handers, despite the supposed transparency of due process... 

What is done is not always as said 

And a lot more since history lessons way back, centering not only on the designers, architecture, the engineers but slavery, child labour, women and  more recently again how railway systems we use were built in poor working conditions in archaic times that still filters through life to this day ... 

When we visit museums to see artifiacts or read or learn of history past, of those currently in segments of society looking at immigration as an influx of much on the burden of services, should remember how steeped we are in and around the world ourselves through time in produce, fleecing earths natural resources and interacting in other lands...

We are all part of this planet we share.

The ownership, boundaries, borders from the vast lands to our own little pockets we rent or buy if we don't roam on the streets or nomadically in metal, wood, bricks, concrete and mortar 

the quirky eco systems and mud huts made in hills or caves of the minority who do so in this country that would give the current trend of bad small squeeze new builds for much greed, a run for the quality lost ... in light particularly conducive to a healthy glow...

The light lost in this country greatly gone downhill, since I was last out in the world .. I read and watched a lot about designs of good architecture in a healthy home to colours to boost a qualitive life 

I myself  was sucked in a brooding dark dank life of another's complex phobias 

The bitter irony of much in my personal life ... 

All food for thought  ... 

Vague hearing

a bit like me at times ... the pitter patter of much needed rains I believe ... Thy eyes misty too, to see the damp path to indicate. The feel of rain from inside in the air.. The smell of wet mud. 

The hope to achieve the wind down in context of rehabilitation time with a Mum. And a sister. The catch up with locals and locality, from my Kernow times.  The integration of life where I still keep it at arms length ...The no interest in certain aspects of basic social contexts ... 

The silent wrath in rage 

Snippets and more

of those conversations around us ... this week again of life in mode to what generally happens. Those days in silence of life surround in solitude, disappearing in time. 

Another confused person like me in misinterpreting. On the outside the assumptions I am in knowledge...as we tend to do ... 

A lot in interest of what others do to others that is not good or beneficial  ... The phone lines that clock off dead on five in a middle of a conversation And the talk in town of the proposed regeneration of some major changes ... 

The silence in din replaced with life in talk ... And then my hearing goes all muffled ... 

Each day

since the smell of death and dark befell this abode ... The aromas are lifting back into the little flurries  in spasms of flushing out the home with an array of activities in scented candles, incense and lotions and potions, waxes and polish and antibacterial etc, which daughter put it lovely once, of me in our home. 

Though these are intermixed with another home that fell under the dark clouds of forebode too ...

 I woke up today after more recent clear in clean of layers taken back even further. Back more to where it was ... 

...once upon a clear and it felt indescribably wonderful. 

Tis good in the forthcoming

time with others... the definite Kernow time, the fit of a few days with daughter and then the Christmas plans ... the otherwise becoming very insular, recluse or whatever term society puts it into categories of instincts align from normal ... I would be termed as strange with loner tendancies which do not portray us all in the right light ...

... The way detectives, research in psychology analysts and all others statisticalize ...  

I require the alone to channel much in life that ripped and shredded into oblivion to stepping back outside again will take a while ... 

I busy myself in the parameters of my extreme lifestyle I led awhile, cos the beauty of the person l chose to be with became disoriented with much beyond comprehension... It happens to the good ...

9/11

the filter out of that time ... 

...

the effect that reverberates through and on from that day, like others in history ...

....

the images coming in the home, through that technology starting to capture life and death in real time  

that day impacted on life throughout the world in media 

It still leave us speechless ... my daughter in shared memories of that moment in surreal time 

Our memories too with her now deceased Dad ...

(then very much alive in the very essence of life, before our own dark dust loomed), 

... those days very much imprinted and etched in rawness 

... in loss it never mellows ... en masse or singular ... 

The cycle of shock

and today on one of those days so common for the variety of subjects annually ...

today subject tis suicide ... 

Research in much would assist ... 

from my experience there are no pills. words or notions to put forward 

Once you are on that course, it only takes a millisecond of a decision ... 

And the way mental health is still taught, the inbuilt wrong and right on how you should feel is too vague ... so too the questions about harming yourself or others ... 

It is like a play script ... Over rehearsed ...

been there ... experienced beyond what those immediate around have ... apart from a daughter 

even the post traumatic stress don't come in 

All that that went before ... an experience not common in 21st century in my circle of the UK 

past in echoes, aromas and movement

to rid and distribute items,after the time in recuperate. The movie magic I have enjoyed this week very much not keeping me still in the agitation today. The conflicts in time. The logic at times, whereas at another time it would be better just to fling the mountain mass out the window. The way in decisions.

Although the last two days was not without the difficulty in the tie to the home. At least on Wednesday I had some time out on a late summers eve, in our town ... and enjoyed the manic outside instead of inside for a moment ...

in the forthcoming days the rearranged plans, of late can be attempted to now get done... and this time to prepare the future ... 

Long after ... The silence

>>> in the death wish ... I do not utter a word this far along the line. Only that when I have been in discussions with our daughters young man, how certain people are outstanding in the mass of life in bad. And how we cope in our scarred moments of fury in flurry.  

The reassurance two way. This in a time of the mutual understanding. 

The way I am so portrayed. The time passed. That day and time floats into the now. A moments decision or infection on the precipice still bows in unannounced. 

The things not understood. Justification. The stating of facts misconstrued in Chinese whispers. The reaction wanted. Unfortunately if that was the case ... Why were we isolated from life. In the dark and away. 

The case in point when I reached out eventually. It fell on silence many times. You begin to think you are talking in a different language. I went through the motions. I then reverted back. 

The bide in time. It may or may not come. August is coming to an end. Everyone has disappeared. There is nothing new in that. The cope of much. The await for the outcome of a problem not bothering me so bad. I sent the professors letter. It is in black and white. 

The chase energies into removing and moving. 

The wisdom of my late Dad striving to follow. 

The hours within

...

the night of day .... the day of night ...

My upside down in life ... where we found peace in the out of hours ... when the  goad were at rest ... 

A month in much

... this time I have grown in flourish. This in the fact of being elsewhere in an environment totally new. I have for a week been in a different town in a different county on my own. An adventure disruptive by a blast from the past. A skin infection flare up. I ended up at Leighton Hospital instead of a trip to Liverpool. 

I have however done things once again. A gap of many moons lost in the darkness where no stars resided ... 

I am alone. I am different. I am a crazy mad person inside who to others blend in, on the outside. I have been asked many times the directions or buses for an area I am not familiar with. 

Time with the natives blending in with my Cornish lilt. This accent appears when I am tired, poorly or mad ... 

This season last

started a new trend in difference ... another deep loss ... the impact of a dearly loved mum in law ... who embraced me within the fold from that moment of meeting, until we were the two left in a more binding time beyond words ... until too it was here time to go for now ... 

We are now in another new time in the next generations first; for the two of them setting up their own nest ... I am going to enjoy it all in the best ability I can, not only for us that are left, but a hubby too whose time was to go early ... 

The more ... the much ... the minimalist

From time in a Cornish Eden project 2014

the epic in the Eden ... the dome Eco system nestled in a disused quarry ... the hot bed in the glass house ... a time in a haze of fresh grieve of a Dad just gone ... the cool huts to heal in ... I found life hot after the cool 

The silly, stupid, and the sorry ...

... skidding along the precarious precipice in all that was thrown our way. The slippery slope in time on.. The segments of not belonging. The serious in the silly. And vice versa. The turn of cheek. The say in shallow. The deep in. 

The near miss. The pounding on the inner self will never be fully understood, especially those who deal in the everyday of us ... two many of us, too few of them ... 

All tied up in life

imbalances ... the pave for some special time to catch up. The fog in learning gets to me. The point lost in the forever mourn. The strangeness in growing with someone. Those that say it comes again. Yes for some. Yes it can. It is not the same as knowing since back when. It is strange without. 

When special beyond words comes along. It is understood by those who have been there. A freedom for some, that, that comes with being a partner, who gives not the freedom some do. I was fortunate in that I was free within too. The obvious boundaries go without saying. If either of us had wanted to go up in space. We could have done. The individuality, that comes within duos. 

More of a wander

into constructive thought indeed ... The better than the thoughts of destruction to my life ...

The tinker in time at last into my creativity in positive ...

The sorrow ...

.,, the sadness dispels into dreams to take flight in signs given ... 

Only at the end of June in one the many conversations yet again on my still youngish age to go, have a life ... I was reminded ... I am very aware of that ... to have had three decades, before I settled into family life, within the next two decades I would be a widow ... and to start the next maybe lot in a slight difference of not just the offspring to fly the nest ... I am able to explore again for myself with me and my ... 

It is a journey of such ... I will relish in time, the opportunities. The bit by bit of the grief to live alongside. At times still surreal, I find. This compounded with our daughter up the North West of  England.. It feels in some moments ... did that part of life with a family happen ...? 

A special day passed yesterday

without the latest family member  ... and now the excitement of a reserved car for driving test past ... And in the spirit of our life now ... Our daughter surprising me with it sometime this month ...  her test taking place in this time line of plans further .... 

Then we head into new travels again via car ... And time in the future to persuasion of seeing thy once again behind the wheel ...? 

We have the places planned ...

It depends which season in passing though ... At least she is being optimistic... 

Time in steadiness

... a collation in notes of the many, the much and the facts and the case in point ... the reply to the reply to a submission of the where and whyfores ... quite an hilarious time if it were not so serious in the outcome ... 

A mission break ...

... The time spent in facing the ignorance of time, those core letters I still had from that vital time ...The facts speak in these words in past ... And the following core letters to the various bodies and persons since ... the sense in where it will end ... My sister knowing the recent events (only I do not talk about it constant ... It stays in par with life ... silent ....) will lead to the ultimate ... I had in mind along this time in being sent a long, long silly dance ....

And among all that ...the to be .... A reason in fate and destiny and divine intervention ... All playing a part in this ....

I have re-established the timeline ...the given task to one body ...persistence is not the word ... In getting the facts from their confusing timeline, back to me in a full and thorough explanation ... Which since the first time in doing post crisis ... not one person or agency has done so ...

I was kindly given one part, that another agency gives you automatically for the records. I had to get a copy sent to me from this current one, with a polite, appreciative request ... Thankful it was forthcoming ...no doubt realising I am in for the answers ...the case was in the point of fact ...could not be a matter for discussion ...

Mission in mammoth

where those go, so I go ... the quiet stealth of ignorance within, still with modern communications it still will not sync ... good for raising facts in point ... 

I am as always doing the work of others ... the detective and analysis ... I have looked at these vocations in my quest for quell ... Forensic science within my passion for answers in peek ... 

The death of life

into a fountain of living 

Sprinkles of words and images and the home sparkling a bit more in places

The gaiety in plans for myself and with others

The anticipation of bad, yes, those departments that spout one thing and contradict in the very next sentence ... I am dealing with four separate departments at present ... 

The wild in silence

I will never forget this part of the journey. The imprint in these walls. The lost will never be glossed. The fact I have only touched the surface of a time of such wild unnoticed behaviour is down to the fact of the mysteries of that intervention, a lot do not believe in ... A whisper of a breadth in my demise. It was obvious it was not my time. A fate of travel in where I am at now. 

The day end here

will be when the pneumatic drill falls silent ... Finally later than advertised the demolishes of waste at the end of the road is a huge mound of rumble ... A non listed antique building paving the way for a monstrous concrete mess of greed in these towns ... 

Hospitals Hospices and Home Care

Oncology wards and Macmillan nurses are a fascinating function, there is much that happens here ... In the home the fantastic care and the hospice too, The dignity in death  ...camaraderie in spirit ... the chats with the Macmillan nurses, talks with volunteers ... the doctors and nurses, and those who are suffering themselves, having empathy when my Dad was so frail, about how life can be cruel cos he couldn't see well too ... long before the cancer came and took ... 

Attempt in much and such

the where to in the process, spontaneous, the unplanned, where it takes me each and every day ....

I made some sauce ... I was feeling fruity ...

I started on another scarf ... the texture in thy hands, the colour kooky. A strange way to knit up too.

And in the flurry and flutter in the flunctuating paper. The next mode in getting heard, on those who do not know.

Where this will lead ... will be interesting .... 

The now, how not

An evening out for a walk 

The cricket in a town 

... in the warmth of the seasonal activities of a balmy night ...

... from earlier this same week; time spanned across the counties travelled 

This was, now not

thy final place ... life ideas that change to origin. The wild in tame. The jokes in getting me back from  wherever I be now, to my reserved place. Propping me up in the car, to get me back with hubby. 

Trickle in tide

a turn to a rip tide of healthier benefits for the body ... the mind still not never there ... the infiltrated seep of unimaginable never not ... 

And the side that reeks

the flip side of life ... 

this view ... with the above sewage works behind one

Coves Creeks and A wreck ...

one in one on a time resolutely in reversing the effects of life once so near to near death, that it just washed over those in my initial post crisis care, until my more only recent affirmative diagnosis beyond depression ...

steady sunday drizzle

A time in images of a cornish market town 

Bells of St Breock

Enter if you dare 

Rough video of the wedding bells today 

Boring ... When it's not your cup of tea ...
For me ... Hearing the sounds and feeling the breeze outside

Simples ... 

sitting outside the superstore with a view of Roughtor and Brown Willy

and chatting away about Summer 1976...while Mum and Sister are shopping...I am the pack horse... at least it is downhill with the shopping 

A Saturday Mourn

... a tinge of lost love ... 

The freedom of life beyond beckons ...

Now to journey there with my raggle haggle taggle ...

bemusing those dear

...and near 

I wonder where today 

will take me ... 

I have achieved again, 

inspiring those my sister 

knows in their dilemmas 

in career change. It has 

taken this amount of time 

to do what I do; to get where I be now in life ...

A week and a half

time with more interaction, fresher air and dormant muscles further in roads and in depth in a varied week of more the same 

A beautiful weekend ..

The family coming together to scatter the ashes 

A time over this time to reflect in the mood of a celebration of a life 

We made time the following day to continue this until my family departed 

We made plans for some maybe spontaneous time for me up North sooner, rather than later with the anticipation of seeing their new home, and perhaps drag more items up 

and the next next step to go afar together ... 

What to take, which flight bag is best and all that entails 

A special scatter

... and paying our respects in having a celebration meal for five ... 

This is the way of my in laws 

A granddaughter and a nephew and their respective partners and myself 

An early operation for my sister 

A trip to assist in her recuperation 

A busman holiday assisting kin in clearance of  Dads garage and office that covers the largest floor space in the home of his works still slowly ongoing 

And plenty of those hill and trail walks 

with my kin and self 

A Times Amiss

in these hours of bliss
noble and gentle
in kind and deed
there for others needs
before down turned
that all to seed

Time in tedious tide

from the line side
delft in swift slide
on a greasy glide
in that whopping ride
Task in simple style
too from death wile
in time a waiting while
life from gullible guile

The juggle of life ...

now that I am robustly tackling a life in excess. The winding down for time away is proving most difficult.

I usually get to a point that this is it, go and enjoy yourself ... that no more can be done ... this particular time, I am only just getting to that stage ... I did have plans, before the plans ... my time although I left plenty, is encroaching on that time allotted for other activities  ... 

my philosophy usually is ... as long as you have the tickets and some of what everyone seems to like  ... the rest falls into place ... Oh ... and some clothes unless you are going somewhere you do not need them ... 

The surrealism...

that surrounds me in life here ... how the company from afar of comfort in those ... the large looming presence of time dispersing into my very own Spring ... but not without the May storms which in nature seems to be out of sync herself 

41 months ... 20 months and 2 months ...

The main people in my life since gone 

Without the rest of all that happened along this time frame 

The world a freezing colder and cold without them 

This is a life ...

A heading into new terrain ... the sooner the better ... 

It's took a while on the other home ... that eventually came to an end 

somehow this will too 

I have sought, seeked and I will find a way ... 

I have still to find a speedier option 

money versus the total restart 

If I am not that far ahead by my next age in two months 

I will rethink the strategy 

Plenty of white feathers and smells of those gone in this time too 

My destination .. now as fortuitous .

... as it is tragic ...

I am able to do as I please in the middle of all my current dilemmas ... my mouth dry with anticipation ... the exhilaration of the skin when of mind to notice in the wind, the rain, even the  cold and the sun in various warmths... The mud ...the scrunch of dry leaves .. The colours ... The wind whipping up dust particles .. that are usually irritating ... 

The mist hanging low ... The clouds up high ... The thunder and lightning bolts crackling avpcross the countryside over my old home village,  last Summer ... 

.. even the weeds ... in among the green of this country ... 

... taking me back to Memories of watch with mother in those greys on the television watching Little Weed  ... 

Dietary dilemmas ...

nutritional... environmental aspects from a time not good and understood ... continuing times for one left in a rabbit hutch unkempt or cared for ... the other in circumstances spiralling rapidly out of control into neglect from a multi agency meeting ... 

one still suffers on from this time one had ... the mould ...dust ...the lack of air ...heat and washing facilities ... if you are out on the streets it is understood for the welfare ... 

... not always on the home environment when health and safety of staff become more paramount than the client ... or the danger faced ... and ahead with no thought of a dying person ... 

The fact many leave you because apparently you choose to live like that ... are of a callous nature which derives from others pretending to con them ... they do not see or have the time to see ... or want to even listen ...or understand the ripple of factors of ... 

• Stress
• Invisible fears that are actually real
• Environment cultural living 
• Continued stress into addictive behaviour 
• A cycle that forms 
• Habits hard to break 
• Physical symptoms form 
• Environmental factors deteriorating 
• Exacerbating misunderstanding and hounding 
• The conclusion ends in death of a multitude of death causes 
• And much much much mores

All have technical training names over decades of study ... I lived it in laymans terms ...

Some of my written notes survived from dates in that time line ... Harrowing reading 

Everyone's woes

times in a listen many
with silence in patience,
Though the first early a day
of my uncontainable grief
I could cut down in ways
a many, like a shard of Ice

... The Romance in Death ...

The knowledge of how we wish to be 

One couple we know ... having their ashes scattered together in the place they met 

One is still alive; the other in a file awaiting that time 

it is good they met outside 

Twenty Five Years

ago

The lead up to one wedding in many ... a newborn... not mine I might add ... and most obviously everyone was there who were there ... the guest list naturally dwindling from the first death of a young husband of a friend ... to the most recent of a mother in law ...

The various family get togethers we went to; until the family became larger and harder to get everyone together ... or ageing depending on paternal or maternal ... 

This year already seeing many milestone celebrations ... One couple celebrating sixty years of marriage ... 

The Constant Reminder ...

of event on event on event on event in every way whilst getting back life as second nature 

Not a survival from minute to minute as in life end of another ... One survived looking worse for wear no eyebrows and taunt skin all tight in the face face and the torso and thighs all cracked ... 

One died ... 

If I could have smiled ... I could not have anyway  ...  the skin on the face was so raw and tight ...  

Jesu, joy of man's desiring ...

Another evening of various relaxatioal music

to bring down the heart rate 

especially some we played ourselves 

 and some we said goodbye to 

we all revisit good things 

that to be kept in mind when nasty things happen to others 

they need space and time in good 

There are so many ways of help for those ... It is finding myself first ... 

The death in a life ...

Is not a cliche 

It happened to us

From the worst harassed death I have seen

And then being with my late Dad at a very touching moment in time when he slipped away from us for now ... one sunny Autumn Day ... twenty one months after a dismal dark December Day of my late husbands untimely passing ...

Two very contrasting deaths on the spectrum of emotions in how death can be and could be ... 

Researching over time

Throws up lots of ideas ... especially from personal time lines ...

if I had £995 and all those zeroes that follow the figure ... I could live somewhere that it so me from times past ... 

That was me then ... 

Now I am willing to travel and live life so simply at times  ... 

The life of death ...

... Brings a vocation for some 

Those that work in all areas of life dismissed or unseen by the general population that keep our life chugging along 

Those that work at the top of sky scrapers and other dangerous jobs 

Clear up the s**t in life 

And those that act or model or those that film or photograph the same 

Others who entertain giving pleasure in leisure hours ... 

Those that wait on others whose tips supplement poor salaries for those valued jobs for our leisure time or business dinners  

Those that sell their personal goods 

And those that clear up after RTA or other scenes of death as in my husband fathoming how to get him out of that ... that confronted those that day in my life ... 

How Great Thou Art

and all ...

My Way ... Abide With Me ... You Never Walk Alone ... the many ... the popular ...

My late husbands funeral was themed around Valentine and Wedding ...seeing as we were mid way through marriage in life ... The church where we married where the service took place ... the photo on our wedding day travelled throughput that day and the colour of flowers brighter than the wedding bouquet to show the colour in a celebration of our time

Music and song personal to us with the music on entry personally selected by hubby himself ...

My Dads was selected and dealt with by the three women in his life ... I chose the entry of music from time with Dad ... for that with reflective mode and sister chose his favourite upbeat for exit in a style so Dad

And today with all the preparations finally coming together of a well loved Nana Mum and Auntie with the tweaks still time for ...

... will be a future memory of a lovely farewell to come 

I sat and had a cup of tea ...

... with  my mum In law in the chapel of rest at the funeral home just round the back of where I reside   ... this Friday afternoon ... It is strange that she is back in town ...

I am known from my prior time at this funeral home ... it is very relaxing  ... Ironically the only area here where I feel so presently ... 

When I was in Kernow during my unexpected visit to the Doctor, I said I felt more relaxed in Kernow now ... 

It is more laid back ... refreshing ... I hope to be there dreckly ... 

Tales from The Chapel Of Rest ...

My mum in law will be ready for me to spend time at the end of the week ... I take nothing as set in stone ... A lot can happen between then and now ... 

My last visit to this particular funeral home to be with the deceased ... was my late husband ... 

I was in there so long ... I had a cup of tea made ... 

What we do on these occasions is in our own way ... And the fact these people who work in this area of life are dignified and adaptable ... It is with sadness that did not happen in his end of life ... 

Many Decades of Photos ...

Taking us to times gone ... The familiar style of photos in most homes through the change of technology going back to those stiff formal styles of the first photos to the mass market of glossy or matt photos in those envelopes wallets with negatives in type face so dated now ... 

The Polaroid ones ... And so forth ... 

To those round silver discs with names I cannot keep up with ... to the now of those more recent styles of photography ... and that very last photo taken of the three of us on the 28th of February this year ... 

On our very modern style of a personal mobile data base we mostly all now carry with us ... 

Nature Naturally in Seasons ...

While one family member passes away ... Another is born making one of our many cousins a Grandmother for the first time...

And outside the kitchen window at home  ... the many types of birds naturally clearing the twig strewn lawn for nesting ... This giving me many moments to enjoy watching the antics of the various visiting birds gathering the nesting materials that nature makes from the fallen dead branches from the Winter winds  ... 

The magpie being a bid bird itself ... flying off with a large twig as big as it self .... 

in time for others ...

this was read at a very poignant time ...

We were experiencing time ourselves in End of Life Care ...

my family had made a sleep over of this time ... and at their request photos was brought into a hospital room ... the ITU machines turned off for a more cosy environment for my mum in law ... 

It was of great comfort before she slipped away more comforted and peacefully than when she arrived at the hospital one night last month ... very distressed ...

enabling a grand daughter to be with her Nana when that last breath was taken that was so peaceful it was a calming beautiful moment for them ...